DISCLAIMER: This article is NOT REAL. Well, it is real in that it does exist, but it doesn’t contain factual information. It is made up for the purposes of entertainment. And isn’t that the real truth? Probably not.
CORINNE, UTAH — We now join the press conference from the Denny’s Stratos Hyperscale Data Hospital of Wonder Valley, USA, where Melvin Mahoney, CEO, is announcing a new, exciting advertising campaign.
Melvin Mahoney: Thank you very much for joining us today. We have a wonderful hospital here in northern Utah, a place of warmth and welcome, and we want to share that with you all. We asked you here today to announce a bold new direction for our hospital. We would like to announce our new partnership with MySpace, the largest social media site from 2005 to 2009.
You know, I’ve always loved MySpace. Immediately upon joining, I had this guy named Tom become my friend on there. It was super cool! I got a lot of engagement from people around the world with my post about using manga on Palm Pilots. Mainly from the Philippines, actually.
We’ve been evaluating all of the major social media platforms to decide how best to advertise our services. Facebook is out of touch, and Instagram is too flashy. And don’t even get me started on TikTok. But MySpace is the cheapest, so we decided to use it. People may laugh, but they’re once again the fastest-growing platform in a few south-central-ish neighborhoods in Tennessee. That bodes well for our hospital.
Reporter: How does the music and culture website that in no way resembles the original MySpace fit in with your hospital’s advertising campaign?
MM: Well, we consider ourselves to be a hip and cultured hospital system. And we play music throughout the hallways, so it’s pretty perfect for our needs. This also comes on the heels of our multiple other new corporate sponsorships. I’d especially like to highlight Denny’s, whose delicious Grand Slam breakfast is now featured in our cafeteria.
Reporter: What will your campaign be focused on?
MM: You know, healthcare and stuff. We do that here. We have nurses. We have doctors. And now we have MySpace to spread the word. Our new motto will be front and center: We are a hospital, and that’s a promise!
Reporter: What would you say to people who question the logic of focusing your advertising budget and energy on a nearly dead platform that is unlikely to reach your desired audience of local Utahns needing healthcare, who are an older and sicker demographic unlikely to use social media?
MM: I will not submit to the tyranny of your questions. But I urge you all to join MySpace and see what all the fuss is about for the Denny’s Stratos Hyperscale Data Hospital of Wonder Valley, USA. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
