DISCLAIMER: This article is NOT REAL. Well, it is real in that it does exist, but it doesn’t contain factual information. It is made up for the purposes of entertainment. And isn’t that the real truth? Probably not.
Washington, D.C. — In an unprecedented move, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved a combination pill that includes both an opioid and benzodiazepine, called Chilaxen, to treat Life Pain Disorder (LPD).
“There is an epidemic of LPD in this country, and we feel like this is going to be the best treatment available,” said one FDA official. “Some are concerned with the safety of this pill, but we figure that so many people are prescribed both of these medication classes anyway, so why not let the pharmaceutical industry make some more money with a new combo?”
While many dispute the diagnosis of LPD, those who have been diagnosed with this malady beg to differ.
“This is a serious matter. I’ve tried all sorts of other things — antidepressants, therapy, divorce — but nothing works as well as oxycodone and Xanax together,” noted patient Billy Pane. “My doctor only recently diagnosed me with this after years of not knowing what I was suffering from. I’m so relieved to finally have a diagnosis and a proper treatment. It even makes me feel like I can finally decrease my 12 beers and pint of whiskey every day, and maybe even move out of my ex-girlfriend’s basement.”
While LPD is a relatively newly recognized diagnosis, it potentially effects tens of millions of Americans. Dr. Shirley Bevel believes the problem is bigger than was initially thought.
“I know that many are concerned about the opioid epidemic, but LPD is so far-reaching that any treatment is welcomed. Millions are suffering, and we as physicians have the duty to do whatever we can to help this large population deal with their life pain through medication.”
The next step in treating LPD includes adding marijuana to Chilaxen. This newer combo just started the FDA approval process and is expected to be approved by the end of the month.
